Feeling ‘Unaligned’

I’ve always struggled with my current employment because I feel like it’s not aligned with my life or who I am.

Is it convenient? Yes. Is it flexible? Yes. Can I work it part time? Yes. …and it pays reasonably well for an administration position.

I received my 7 year service award via skype a few months ago and it’s actually been 8 whole years (I was a casual employee for the first year). I’ve attempted to leave numerous times and then I fell pregnant with Jacob and that pretty much forced me to stick it out. I sucked it up and my boss at the time was very compassionate. There was a build up of “incidents” at work and I had a break down. It was a combination of an ex I worked with and 2 ‘mean girls’ and everything else that transpired at the time. I went into his office hysterically sobbing and told him I just couldn’t be there anymore. He pulled some strings and transferred me to another site nearby so that I wouldn’t resign.

2 of those years I’ve been on maternity leave so I think it’s served its purpose and on a grateful note it has brought some beautiful souls into my life. Almost all of them have left the company and when I think about where they are in their lives right now it makes me tear up because they have seriously blossomed. Their careers have taken massive leaps since leaving, almost as though they were being held back. If I’m honest I just don’t think the company I work for truly recognises people’s potential. I’m not being biased. They are amazing humans and it warms my heart to see them thriving because you can tell someone they deserve so much better but not everyone believes in themselves to understand that is actually possible.

There are a lot of things (the bullying included) that have occurred since I started here. I’ve learnt so much. I’ve been exposed to a vast range of personalities. There’s been some blurred lines along the way but over all it’s helped shape me into who I am.

Blogging on the other hand is like therapy for me. It helps me to unpack what’s going on in my head, lay out my thoughts and analyse them. When I read it back I sit there and assess everything. Yes, I’m proofing for grammatical errors and the like but before I post it I am genuinely reading to see if this is how I want to show up in the world.

Being an introvert I am also someone who struggles to communicate my feelings. Unless that feeling is LOVE then believe me you will feel it in abundance. Writing helps me to articulate those feelings. It’s not something that comes naturally – I almost have to pry the honesty out of myself. My inner mean girl curses at me and makes me feel guilt for merely expressing a negative emotion about another human being especially if their actions or words have affected me. It’s as if I need to validate my emotions and their worth to myself.

To me it doesn’t matter how many people my post reaches or how many people ‘comment’ or ‘like’ it. I want to learn from my own experiences from the outside looking in. I’m not perfect and I use other people’s behaviour to help me navigate what I feel in my heart to be right or wrong. Sometimes it’s looking back on how I showed up in a situation, how I reacted or what I said that helps me determine if I need to do more work on certain aspects of my personality and where I need to grow.

I’m not sure what path my life is taking at this present time. I feel as though I’m in a transition stage where I am finding my voice, I’m sharing parts of my life I would usually keep to myself but I am also tired of being the people pleaser. Especially to those who don’t deserve it.

I listened to a talk by Gabby Bernstein the other night and she encouraged me to speak about my “transformation”. What transformation? I thought. I tried to pinpoint an experience in my life and then it came to me. Motherhood. So cliché I know, but nothing woke me up so abruptly like becoming a mother.

I have committed myself to being the best person I can be and showing up for my children as a positive role model. It hasn’t been easy but it’s something I work on every day. I try not to hide my emotions from my children, unless it’s worry, because I know they feel my anxiety.

For the first time in my life I have unapologetically done things that people have disagreed with. I have boundaries. I say “no”. I speak up when I feel like I’m not being heard in my relationship and I have come to accept that I am not for everyone. I have cut people out of my life and not looked back because they did not serve me. By serving I don’t mean on a plate – I mean in life (their toxic habits/behaviours etc.) Some of these people are family members. You know the ones you usually shut up and say nothing to in order to keep the peace, yet they have free reign over how they express themselves?

I have started trusting my intuition in a way I have never listened before. I look for signs at all turns in my life especially when I don’t know if I need to leap or hold back. I’m not afraid of failure like I used to be and I’m ok with things not lasting forever. If you asked me 10 years ago I would have told you I just wanted to fall in love with my soul mate and live happily ever after and that there was only 1 person in this whole world who was ‘just for me’. I want to hug her (and shake her) at being so naive.

I have changed. I still don’t open up to people about my feelings but I’m working on that. My healing journey has been long and I still have a long way to go but when my soul calls on me to book a reiki session, I listen. When my healer encouraged me to go to yoga, I showed up every week to my kundalini yoga class (pre covid). When she gave me affirmations to repeat, I saved them on the home screen of my phone and when she told me that I needed to ground myself and spend time in nature, I did it. Because I’m showing up for me now. I’ve lived most of my life showing up for everyone else. Wanting everyone else to feel loved and safe and happy. I didn’t prioritise those feelings for myself. I wasn’t important enough.

I’ve realised that a lot of the people who come into my life that I try and help don’t actually want to help themselves. They complain and play the victim but they don’t want to change. They say they do, but they aren’t willing to put in the work. All it does is exhaust me. I finally had a lightbulb moment where I asked myself WHY am I putting so much energy into them when I need to focus that energy on myself. I want to change. I want to be a better me. What if I put myself first? Just once.

I’ve made a commitment to myself, to align myself with the person I came here to be. To show up in the world as someone I am proud of and to value who I am just as I am. I am not perfect but I AM worthy.

Published by BeautiquelyMe

I am a wife and mum to my 2 minis and my furbaby. I love to read. I love to cook. I love to organise. I love to walk. I am introvert. I have a passion for beauty therapy. I love crystals, angel cards and anything 'woo woo'.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: