I didn’t go in to work today.
I had every intention of going and I had started getting ready, lunch boxes were made and my mum had already arrived at my house. I was running late but I was going to get there.
Then I sat there and thought to myself I am exhausted, Gia should really see a doctor just to be sure and I literally asked myself “why I am doing this when I need to put myself first?”
The truth is because this is what I have always done. I put work on a pedestal. But this year has taught me many things and being disregarded and underappreciated has helped shape my reaction today. Usually I would be riddled with guilt.
So no, I am not the girl who “pulls a sickie” or has a “mental health day”. I literally have to be on my death bed to call in sick. Even then that phone call to my boss is crippled with anxiety. “Do I sound sick enough? Do they believe me? Should I have attempted to go in?” Or to avoid the phone call I push myself to go into work and then I’m either instructed to go home or have to excuse myself for the rest of the day. There have been times where I couldn’t even drive myself home. I’m that girl. The one with so much sick leave I could take a few months off…
This morning something came over me and I didn’t even call my boss. I messaged her because fucks given have reached about a 0 now… (my former people pleaser self is internally cringing at me even writing that). My head went over all the reasons I needed to be there today but in all fairness I was waiting for Gia to wake up (because the only time children sleep in is when you need to be somewhere) and I wanted to see how she was.
It’s been a loooooong week. Starting from last sunday where she was perfect during the day but during the night woke up horribly sick. Standard. So by the time I got her to finally sleep at 5.30am my alarm went off to go to work at 6.15am. Love that for me. I had an extra coffee and she seemed relatively happy so she went to her grandparents with Jacob for the day so I could go to work.
Anyone who knows me also knows my children love being “awake” and sleeping through the night is not something either have mastered (and we’re almost 5 years into this parenting thing – and trust me I’ve tried!) I won’t bore you with those details. But throw in a sick child, me being run down due to ‘sick child’ coughing and snotting all over me for the majority of the week + still needing to function and get everything done = basically a recipe for disaster.
I’m embarrassed to say I even snapped at my mum this week. She had called and messaged multiple times yesterday morning to check up on Gigi. I was in the middle of trying to get everyone ready, breakfasted and lunches made so we could get Jacob ready for kinder and after randomly checking my phone I saw her last message to call her, instantly thinking something was wrong. My mind raced to my nan. She answered the phone and I started to realise that me being MIA had sent her into a panic. I then had Luke calling me because she had phoned him wondering what was wrong and if everything was ok. Totally understandable – but the sleep deprivation and my head cold didn’t help and my patience was running thin. I was annoyed, I know she sensed that and so I downplayed everything and said we were all “fine” to avoid her leaving work to come and look after everything. My mum has a heart of gold and I am stubborn and will insist on doing things myself and a head cold wasn’t reason enough to let me throw out her day when I could function. Let it be known I am taking full responsibility for being the “bitch” in this scenario and I have apologised but a further gesture will be made because she is the last person who deserves to be mistreated.
Having the guilt of how I treated her on top of a day at work that I knew would quite possibly be stressful given we are going live with a new payroll system on Monday, I made the call to stay home and booked Gigi in with my doctor.
Oh and lets not even get into the stress I’ve had about avoiding the doctors knowing my child has every covid symptom but knowing full well it most certainly is not (all kindly due to suppressed immune symptoms and finally being exposed to human interaction and should I say it “GERMS” post isolation). No, I’m not ignorant. I just know my child and her coughing fits to the point of vomiting each night needed to be addressed. Everyone else has been “oh she’s just congested”, “it’s only been a few days”. But I just know. He heard wheezing in her chest and she is now on antibiotics so I am extremely relieved. We have a history with her, she’s generally fine throughout the day but the nights are horrible. No amounts of honey, Panadol, cough mixture etc. help and as hard as I try to listen to her breathing I don’t pick up on the wheezing they hear with a stethoscope. Chest infections are her jam.
So TODAY I put myself first. I trusted my motherly intuition and although I am beyond exhausted I will forever be grateful I have people in my life who care so deeply. Instead of putting all my priorities and attention into something and people who aren’t worthy know I need to celebrate and gratify the people in my life who truly deserve it.
To top it all off today is also WORLD KINDNESS DAY. As much as Kindness needs to be extended to others I do think we all need to be reminded to show some to ourselves (I’m still learning, but who’s perfect?!) and if you did or said something recently that you’re harboring some guilt over, make peace with it and try and think of something special you can do to sprinkle some kindness in that direction.