The year that was

To a lot of people 2020 was something they would rather forget, a year filled with tragedy, lower than lows and all round disappointment.

If you ask my husband he would agree. Maybe aside from the fact a sheer miracle allowed us to get married… but I’ll save that mini miracle for another blog.

He lost his job 2 days after we got married. 6 months of unemployment meant he was blessed with quality time with our children he won’t ever get back. Jacob starts Prep this year so we were fortunate to not be home schooling and the previous year (2019) was jam packed with long hours and weekends spent working.  He missed so much time with our minis.

In the moment he didn’t appreciate it and if I’m being honest I’m not sure if he ever will. He was more consumed with our bank balance and wanting to work and worrying about when that would be. We have very different perceptions on life. My theory is that the money will come but this time, time is something we will never get back. Personally I think we are doing OK, I’m pro “worrier” so if I think we’re ok – we are. Every sign I asked for gave me this inner knowing that everything would work out. I would rather be there for our children and struggle/budget/go without than miss out on seeing them grow and experiencing their milestones. I do see things from his point of view (I’m not a complete hard head) – that you work so hard to get where you are that you don’t want to go backwards but in my mind, my thought process always wins over. Believe me when I say there is only so many times you can tell someone “we are going to be OK” before you just stop responding.

I’m an empath, I worried for him and I absorbed a lot of his energy and I worried that our kids were absorbing his energy too. It really doesn’t ever stop, the worrying…

I had such high hopes for 2020. It was going to be OUR year. I was going to build up and kick start my beauty business and prioritise my dreams. That wasn’t to be. Divine timing said not yet. And that is OK.

So to reflect on the year that was.

My Nan was really sick, to the point that palliative care were making arrangements. Me being me, I wasn’t giving up without a fight. I knew even at the ripe old age of 94 she wasn’t ready yet – the signs that kept appearing only confirmed what I felt in my heart. My healer performed reiki on her. Helen has an incredible gift and she can connect and heal through a photo as long as she can see their eyes and that person allows her to. I’ve never told my Nan (and I probably never will) but my mum knows and we are both firm believers that she has everything to do with the reason we still have her with us.

I did lose my Nonna later in the year and in turn have had to do a lot of healing work relating back to my childhood. She would always call me, asking me to visit. I didn’t go. I almost ran into her and my dad earlier this year at my doctors clinic (she lived less than 5 minute from my mum’s house). My doctor was aware of our family history and told me of our close call. It’s been a few years since I saw her… the last time I tried she hadn’t changed. There was a lot of love for her, but so much hurt and I’m very conscious of who is around my children and the influence they have in their lives. My gut told me to stay away. As much as I trust my instincts I still hold guilt that I should have been there even if it hurt me. I’ve always felt like we have a duty to look after our parents/grandparents and I should have been the bigger person, let it go and just fulfilled my obligation. It’s something I need to work on but I know no matter what, she always loved me. I saw her one last time in her hospital bed and I got to say goodbye. She wasn’t speaking. She looked nothing like I remembered and that broke my heart. She was a woman who prided herself on how she looked when I was younger and I still remember her with bright lipstick and rollers in her hair. I sat with her and placed an amethyst in her hand and held her. Her eyes were closed, she never responded but I’m sure she heard me. As I left her eyes opened a little. Maybe she knew I was there, and maybe she didn’t but I knew if I didn’t see her that day I would regret it and my inner knowing told me that was her last day with us – and I was right.

On that same day I also reconnected with my dad.

Over 7 years has passed and he was ‘going away’. These 2 people who lived so close to me yet I had nothing to do with had walked back into my life and stirred up so much I had bottled up and shoved into a tiny dark corner of my heart. But that’s just it. It was still there. It never goes away.

I didn’t want to see him. I went there for the sole purpose of saying my goodbyes but he had turned up with my Zio.

In the hospital car park right before I went in to farewell my Nonna he hugged me and he said “Sorry“. He cried, and it was a side to him I had never ever seen before. I completely surrendered to that moment in time. I was so overwhelmed and so mentally unprepared. That was all I needed and all I had wanted to hear for a very, very long time. To some people it’s just a simple word. To me that word carried so much with it and it was what I needed to realise that I didn’t want to feel how I’ve felt anymore. I don’t want to carry that through life. It’s time to let it go.

With these 2 events happening at the same time my 2 half brothers and my Zia and Zio and 2 cousins came back into my life. The day I saw them all together clearing out my Nonna’s garden, which had been so neglected, I was in tears. I hadn’t realised until I was hugging my cousin just how much I had missed them until that moment. It was like a piece of my heart had found it’s way back to me and I never wanted to let it go.

Having them back in my life made me realise that the family members who walked out of my life earlier in the year had carved this path and as much as I struggled with them leaving I had never been more grateful. Toxic people seem to have a way of weaving their way into my life. I know they aren’t good for me, I know I need firm boundaries, but their brokenness makes me pity them and want them to find the healing they need to become better humans. I needed these lessons. I needed to be burnt… but it never gets any easier when that cord is cut.

The truth is I am overwhelmed by life sometimes. I need to retreat and recharge and in those months of being in “lock down”, having that time away from people helped my soul. It tested me, it tested my relationship with Luke but the hard times also have a way of bringing out people’s vulnerability which in a sick, sad way I love. There is no ego, we just are.

This year gave me the opportunity to look inward. To prioritise my healing with every breakdown. To continue looking for signs from the universe and to truly value the connection I have with the people in my life. In the moment I felt miserable, but when I look back I am so eternally grateful.