To my dearest Charlie,
Today marks almost a year since you left us earth side and my heart is still shattered into a million pieces.
On the eve of your anniversary I’ve taken myself away to wrap presents and organise things for Jacob’s birthday tomorrow and all I can do is cry and miss you like I’m reliving this horrible dream like it was yesterday.
Only it wasn’t a dream and I still can’t hold you in my arms.
They say it’s supposed to get easier but maybe no one knew a love like ours.
You just keep moving through each moment of every day because life is to be lived.
Then a memory will pop up. A photo or a video will surface on my phone and I’ll watch you there wishing with every beating moment you were still here.
I never got to grieve you. Everything moved so fast. There was so much on and I resent that I didn’t have the time and space to truly honour you. I know I’ll be doing that for the rest of my life but in those moments no one knew how much I was struggling.
You knew, you always knew. You held my heart in my darkest moments and you saw every part of me. You saw me at my best and you loved me at my worst. You were the first and only one who has ever seen every real and raw emotion I shield from the world and everyone close to me. Never a judgement, just unconditional love and support. It’s taken me 33 years and a psychologist to realise that I’ve been like that since I was a young child yet you were the first one I’ve ever opened up to, who I let see me in those moments I closed off and completely shut down. Who I could be 100% authentic with because that’s all I’ve ever needed to be, but I’d never felt safe or held in order to do so.
You taught me patience and showed me the kind of unconditional love I have never experienced before. My angel cards reminded me that I was supposed to keep my heart open when I most wanted to close it and never let anyone in again. How? I never understood why they took you so soon, To be completely honest, I still don’t. I’ve had to make peace with the fact that I never will. I cried and begged so strongly for them to bring you back. I wanted them to take me instead. I could have picked a dozen others they could have taken. No matter how hard I tried I couldn’t make sense of it, I just had to learn to accept that for some reason it was your time and it’s something I’m still working on. I’m trying. It’s just not the easiest explanation to comprehend.
Jacob caught me crying as I was making his bed tonight. He reminded me that you are and will always be our angel, ‘you’re our family and you’ll never leave us’ he said. I love when they remind me of the words I share with them in their moments of sadness.
So tonight I lit your candle, the candle they sent me with your ashes. The candle I was encouraged to burn in memory of you to help me heal. The candle I refused to light because I felt like I would be saying goodbye, a goodbye I will forever refuse to say. But it’s not goodbye tonight, and it never will be because just like the flame on your candle it’s just another symbol of our love and your everlasting spirit. It is so strong and so bright and will continue to burn long after I blow it out.
I made peace with the idea that maybe this year it was my time to go too. Those nights I didn’t know if I’d make it through, the only light at the end of that tunnel was that I would see you again. I looked for you at the end of my bed every day hoping you were there lying right beside me. I prayed that you were with me because I knew that if anyone was helping me through – it had to be you, You made me realise that I wasn’t ready to go yet, that in every moment I’ve wondered, it’s just not my time. So I have to trust that in some way I’m still here with you guiding me on the next right steps.
You sent me Leo – I saw and acknowledge all the signs and I am forever grateful. THANK YOU. He has been the biggest blessing. I know I would never have been ready. I never wanted another after you left. I didn’t need a band aid. I needed to feel every emotion that involved losing you. A part of me died inside and I knew that void would never or could never be replaced. I was angry and insulted when people asked me if we would get another. I know now it’s not ignorance but they just simply don’t understand. That’s when I realised just how lucky I am. Lucky that I have experienced a love like this, a love they never have. That they couldn’t possibly understand how broken my soul is without you because they simply don’t know. I am the lucky one and I am forever grateful you chose to come here to be with us – thank you my angel.
From the deepest part of my soul I am so so sorry. I am sorry I didn’t do more, that I didn’t see what needed to be done. Even if I couldn’t have prevented what happened I still wish I could have done more. I’m sorry if I missed something you tried to communicate to me. I’m sorry if I was too much for you. If my emotions were too heavy for you to hold. I’m sorry if you took on too much even when I tried to hold back and protect you. I hope with all my heart that you can forgive me.
I can still sit here and reminisce about our first session with Madison and I hear you communicating through her all over again and you just keep saying “it’s OK mum, you didn’t know” but I will always wish that I did. That I was as in tune as you were. That we had Madison to communicate everything until I developed my own way to hear you.
In those 8 fleeting years we shared the most beautiful memories. I watched you flourish and be so joyful. I have seen you embrace every moment with love. The forgiveness and resilience you hold in your heart is like no other. You have never judged me when you should have. You never resented me for bringing 2 screaming little humans into our lives. You have loved and embraced them and cared for them like they were your own. You protected them and supported them through moments I didn’t understand and you held my hand through every new experience.
Your memory is ingrained in our hearts forever. We still and always will talk about you all the time.
We still miss you every other moment.
I’ll walk into any room at home and your memory will live there forever. Your spot on the couch will always be yours and I will continue to imagine you’re sitting right beside me.
Jacob and Gia are still so little but you hold the biggest space in their hearts. It melts me every time they randomly tell me they miss you or worry that they’ll forget you. They won’t, I’ll make sure of it.
You my Charlie are impossible to forget, You’re our forever love x x x