BEAUTIQUELY ME

Be kind to yourself

I didn’t go in to work today.

I had every intention of going and I had started getting ready, lunch boxes were made and my mum had already arrived at my house. I was running late but I was going to get there.

Then I sat there and thought to myself I am exhausted, Gia should really see a doctor just to be sure and I literally asked myself “why I am doing this when I need to put myself first?”

The truth is because this is what I have always done. I put work on a pedestal. But this year has taught me many things and being disregarded and underappreciated has helped shape my reaction today. Usually I would be riddled with guilt.

So no, I am not the girl who “pulls a sickie” or has a “mental health day”. I literally have to be on my death bed to call in sick. Even then that phone call to my boss is crippled with anxiety. “Do I sound sick enough? Do they believe me? Should I have attempted to go in?” Or to avoid the phone call I push myself to go into work and then I’m either instructed to go home or have to excuse myself for the rest of the day. There have been times where I couldn’t even drive myself home. I’m that girl. The one with so much sick leave I could take a few months off…

This morning something came over me and I didn’t even call my boss. I messaged her because fucks given have reached about a 0 now… (my former people pleaser self is internally cringing at me even writing that). My head went over all the reasons I needed to be there today but in all fairness I was waiting for Gia to wake up (because the only time children sleep in is when you need to be somewhere) and I wanted to see how she was.

It’s been a loooooong week. Starting from last sunday where she was perfect during the day but during the night woke up horribly sick. Standard. So by the time I got her to finally sleep at 5.30am my alarm went off to go to work at 6.15am. Love that for me. I had an extra coffee and she seemed relatively happy so she went to her grandparents with Jacob for the day so I could go to work.

Anyone who knows me also knows my children love being “awake” and sleeping through the night is not something either have mastered (and we’re almost 5 years into this parenting thing – and trust me I’ve tried!) I won’t bore you with those details. But throw in a sick child, me being run down due to ‘sick child’ coughing and snotting all over me for the majority of the week + still needing to function and get everything done = basically a recipe for disaster.

I’m embarrassed to say I even snapped at my mum this week. She had called and messaged multiple times yesterday morning to check up on Gigi. I was in the middle of trying to get everyone ready, breakfasted and lunches made so we could get Jacob ready for kinder and after randomly checking my phone I saw her last message to call her, instantly thinking something was wrong. My mind raced to my nan. She answered the phone and I started to realise that me being MIA had sent her into a panic. I then had Luke calling me because she had phoned him wondering what was wrong and if everything was ok. Totally understandable – but the sleep deprivation and my head cold didn’t help and my patience was running thin. I was annoyed, I know she sensed that and so I downplayed everything and said we were all “fine” to avoid her leaving work to come and look after everything. My mum has a heart of gold and I am stubborn and will insist on doing things myself and a head cold wasn’t reason enough to let me throw out her day when I could function. Let it be known I am taking full responsibility for being the “bitch” in this scenario and I have apologised but a further gesture will be made because she is the last person who deserves to be mistreated.

Having the guilt of how I treated her on top of a day at work that I knew would quite possibly be stressful given we are going live with a new payroll system on Monday, I made the call to stay home and booked Gigi in with my doctor.

Oh and lets not even get into the stress I’ve had about avoiding the doctors knowing my child has every covid symptom but knowing full well it most certainly is not (all kindly due to suppressed immune symptoms and finally being exposed to human interaction and should I say it “GERMS” post isolation). No, I’m not ignorant. I just know my child and her coughing fits to the point of vomiting each night needed to be addressed. Everyone else has been “oh she’s just congested”, “it’s only been a few days”. But I just know. He heard wheezing in her chest and she is now on antibiotics so I am extremely relieved. We have a history with her, she’s generally fine throughout the day but the nights are horrible. No amounts of honey, Panadol, cough mixture etc. help and as hard as I try to listen to her breathing I don’t pick up on the wheezing they hear with a stethoscope. Chest infections are her jam.

So TODAY I put myself first. I trusted my motherly intuition and although I am beyond exhausted I will forever be grateful I have people in my life who care so deeply. Instead of putting all my priorities and attention into something and people who aren’t worthy know I need to celebrate and gratify the people in my life who truly deserve it.

To top it all off today is also WORLD KINDNESS DAY. As much as Kindness needs to be extended to others I do think we all need to be reminded to show some to ourselves (I’m still learning, but who’s perfect?!) and if you did or said something recently that you’re harboring some guilt over, make peace with it and try and think of something special you can do to sprinkle some kindness in that direction.

Feeling ‘Unaligned’

I’ve always struggled with my current employment because I feel like it’s not aligned with my life or who I am.

Is it convenient? Yes. Is it flexible? Yes. Can I work it part time? Yes. …and it pays reasonably well for an administration position.

I received my 7 year service award via skype a few months ago and it’s actually been 8 whole years (I was a casual employee for the first year). I’ve attempted to leave numerous times and then I fell pregnant with Jacob and that pretty much forced me to stick it out. I sucked it up and my boss at the time was very compassionate. There was a build up of “incidents” at work and I had a break down. It was a combination of an ex I worked with and 2 ‘mean girls’ and everything else that transpired at the time. I went into his office hysterically sobbing and told him I just couldn’t be there anymore. He pulled some strings and transferred me to another site nearby so that I wouldn’t resign.

2 of those years I’ve been on maternity leave so I think it’s served its purpose and on a grateful note it has brought some beautiful souls into my life. Almost all of them have left the company and when I think about where they are in their lives right now it makes me tear up because they have seriously blossomed. Their careers have taken massive leaps since leaving, almost as though they were being held back. If I’m honest I just don’t think the company I work for truly recognises people’s potential. I’m not being biased. They are amazing humans and it warms my heart to see them thriving because you can tell someone they deserve so much better but not everyone believes in themselves to understand that is actually possible.

There are a lot of things (the bullying included) that have occurred since I started here. I’ve learnt so much. I’ve been exposed to a vast range of personalities. There’s been some blurred lines along the way but over all it’s helped shape me into who I am.

Blogging on the other hand is like therapy for me. It helps me to unpack what’s going on in my head, lay out my thoughts and analyse them. When I read it back I sit there and assess everything. Yes, I’m proofing for grammatical errors and the like but before I post it I am genuinely reading to see if this is how I want to show up in the world.

Being an introvert I am also someone who struggles to communicate my feelings. Unless that feeling is LOVE then believe me you will feel it in abundance. Writing helps me to articulate those feelings. It’s not something that comes naturally – I almost have to pry the honesty out of myself. My inner mean girl curses at me and makes me feel guilt for merely expressing a negative emotion about another human being especially if their actions or words have affected me. It’s as if I need to validate my emotions and their worth to myself.

To me it doesn’t matter how many people my post reaches or how many people ‘comment’ or ‘like’ it. I want to learn from my own experiences from the outside looking in. I’m not perfect and I use other people’s behaviour to help me navigate what I feel in my heart to be right or wrong. Sometimes it’s looking back on how I showed up in a situation, how I reacted or what I said that helps me determine if I need to do more work on certain aspects of my personality and where I need to grow.

I’m not sure what path my life is taking at this present time. I feel as though I’m in a transition stage where I am finding my voice, I’m sharing parts of my life I would usually keep to myself but I am also tired of being the people pleaser. Especially to those who don’t deserve it.

I listened to a talk by Gabby Bernstein the other night and she encouraged me to speak about my “transformation”. What transformation? I thought. I tried to pinpoint an experience in my life and then it came to me. Motherhood. So cliché I know, but nothing woke me up so abruptly like becoming a mother.

I have committed myself to being the best person I can be and showing up for my children as a positive role model. It hasn’t been easy but it’s something I work on every day. I try not to hide my emotions from my children, unless it’s worry, because I know they feel my anxiety.

For the first time in my life I have unapologetically done things that people have disagreed with. I have boundaries. I say “no”. I speak up when I feel like I’m not being heard in my relationship and I have come to accept that I am not for everyone. I have cut people out of my life and not looked back because they did not serve me. By serving I don’t mean on a plate – I mean in life (their toxic habits/behaviours etc.) Some of these people are family members. You know the ones you usually shut up and say nothing to in order to keep the peace, yet they have free reign over how they express themselves?

I have started trusting my intuition in a way I have never listened before. I look for signs at all turns in my life especially when I don’t know if I need to leap or hold back. I’m not afraid of failure like I used to be and I’m ok with things not lasting forever. If you asked me 10 years ago I would have told you I just wanted to fall in love with my soul mate and live happily ever after and that there was only 1 person in this whole world who was ‘just for me’. I want to hug her (and shake her) at being so naive.

I have changed. I still don’t open up to people about my feelings but I’m working on that. My healing journey has been long and I still have a long way to go but when my soul calls on me to book a reiki session, I listen. When my healer encouraged me to go to yoga, I showed up every week to my kundalini yoga class (pre covid). When she gave me affirmations to repeat, I saved them on the home screen of my phone and when she told me that I needed to ground myself and spend time in nature, I did it. Because I’m showing up for me now. I’ve lived most of my life showing up for everyone else. Wanting everyone else to feel loved and safe and happy. I didn’t prioritise those feelings for myself. I wasn’t important enough.

I’ve realised that a lot of the people who come into my life that I try and help don’t actually want to help themselves. They complain and play the victim but they don’t want to change. They say they do, but they aren’t willing to put in the work. All it does is exhaust me. I finally had a lightbulb moment where I asked myself WHY am I putting so much energy into them when I need to focus that energy on myself. I want to change. I want to be a better me. What if I put myself first? Just once.

I’ve made a commitment to myself, to align myself with the person I came here to be. To show up in the world as someone I am proud of and to value who I am just as I am. I am not perfect but I AM worthy.

Battle of the ego

Today got me real good. I was triggered. I was angry. I vented.

I still had a positive day, but this morning I had one of those moments where I was disappointed in the world we live in and wondering what happened along the way where people stopped being ‘kind‘.

Fridays are one of my working days. There is still minimal people in the office and we have a new receptionist who has just started with us. She is lovely and I went over to assist since we had a new casual turn up who claimed she was there to pick up a laptop as she would be working remotely. Unfortunately we didn’t have any notification and there were no emails to our team. She wasn’t told she would be sitting through an induction either, so we needed to investigate.

That was not the actual issue.

My issue was when one of our fellow colleagues inserted herself into the situation. She was horrible. When you start at a new company you are probably already feeling slightly nervous or anxious. You don’t know quite what to expect and in times such as these it’s definitely not the norm. This poor woman was verbally attacked.

Firstly she was lectured about us (‘the company’ as a collective) not releasing laptops to new staff who hadn’t been inducted.

Secondly her new boss was dragged through the mud about how she wasn’t following protocol and should have contacted HR prior to hiring her (…and if I’m honest I tuned out for the remainder of her rant on this particular topic because I was in shock.)

Thirdly she was schooled about HR and how our company works.

She is a casual. All I thought was “she” A. Probably doesn’t care. B. Is simply doing what she has been told. And C. Doesn’t know why you are still talking?!

She basically sent her away and I had to stop the woman from leaving and ask her if she could please just sit down and wait and promised her I would get to the bottom of it. There was no way I was sending her home without contacting everyone I could to find out what needed to be done. I’m not that kind of person. Even if it’s not my job I will try and help, and personally I don’t consider it a bad quality to have.

I spoke to her new manager and organised her induction and got everything sorted. That was fine.

What got me so fired up was the woman I work with getting on her high horse and acting all high and mighty. It was so disrespectful, so abrupt, so rude and honestly embarrassing. I don’t care who she is, what her title is or how much she gets paid. No one deserves to be spoken to like that.

I apologised profusely to the new staff member for her behavior and I’m almost positive she would have overheard. I shouldn’t be judgmental but as a woman who is in her 50’s and has a family and children and works a corporate job I honestly expected some social etiquette.

You see, I notice there’s a pattern. When they see someone as being ‘beneath’ them, they feel as though they can treat that person disrespectfully. It’s not how I operate. They aren’t my morals and I’m done with sitting back and watching people be so unkind.

She phoned the casual’s manager (whom she had been slagging off earlier). I overheard all her lies about how she never intended letting the new girl leave and how she “was going to call her” etc. etc.

Maybe I should have let it be. I didn’t. I was so livid and disgusted with her, I wrote the manager an email detailing exactly what had happened and asked if she could also please apologise to her new staff member when she spoke to her.

My colleague thankfully packed up her laptop and left the office not long after. Oh YES, that was after she dramatically exaggerated by trying to remind me of the last time someone walked out with a laptop without having been inducted. Oh and “apparently” we had no details of them either (no address/phone number etc. – we hire hard core criminals you see *insert eye roll*). I corrected her (which clearly she didn’t appreciate) about how yes, I did remember but we did have their details because the agencies always have these people’s details (or HR) and the laptop had been assigned to them. They simply didn’t have an induction prior to leaving the premises. I also made a comment about how I would never let someone leave without calling the agency or their contact at our company and wasting their time.

Let me be real here and although I might emphasize these words as I type them I spoke to her calmly and politely. I wasn’t rude to her. I didn’t try and belittle her in any way. I simply stated my piece and left it be. Her personality type doesn’t take ownership for their actions. In her eyes she did nothing wrong.

We are not a department store. We don’t have laptops lying around that random people come and collect. No one wakes up, drives to our company thinking oh I think I’ll work for [insert company name here] and walks in, collects belongings and leaves. Perhaps that happens elsewhere. No hunny, not here.

My boss was enlightened about the situation and I apologised to the agency because people like her and their attitudes and overall demeanor are the reason we don’t get sent “quality” people or are the reason we can’t retain temporary staff. Would you want to work in a workplace that housed these kinds of personalities? I think not.

My children fight a lot. They adore each other but they fight. I make them apologise and give each other a cuddle to break the ice and then we have a little debrief. Yes, they are 2 and 4 years old but they are old enough to understand.

I usually ask 2 questions:

1. Do you think that was kind?

2. Do you think [insert wrong doing here e.g. pushing your brother/sister] made [insert child’s name] heart happy or sad?

Can I tell you that every time I ask those questions my mini humans know what’s right and wrong. I can see in their faces that they feel remorseful when they realise how their actions caused the other to feel.

In that moment today I wanted to shake her, because kindness isn’t rocket science. And then I stopped and pitied her because if she doesn’t understand kindness at her age what hope does she have in this lifetime.

Maybe I take things too personally. Maybe her actions won’t affect this stranger, but to someone else it could have.

When I see someone’s ego/mean girl come out it’s not a pretty site. Maybe she felt proud of herself for showing up this poor woman. To the rest of us it just showed us the ugly side of her we know all too well.

My intention of writing this is not to shame her. Yes, I’m fuelled by anger at how she handled this situation but my hope is that everyone takes a step back and evaluates how they handle a situation. Watch your tone, your body language and how you articulate things because it’s so easy to be kind.

Don’t let your emotions take over your attitude and cause you to bring someone else down. Put that ego aside and Just. Be. KIND.

Full Moon Circle

Wow! What an experience that was.

Last night (being Thursday October 1st) I attended my first Full Moon Circle with the beautiful Daniella Elias: https://www.daniellaelias.com/ This is something I have never done before. I was curious and I’ve heard her talk about this in her podcast and post on her Instagram pages too (she is the owner of Amity Created which I am obsessed with! https://www.amitycreated.com/).

I’ve been extremely emotional lately, and in saying that I mean more than usual. I was journaling the other night and the tears just would not stop flowing. I keep thinking back to situations in the past and how I would have handled things differently and something came up for me when I realised there was a person in a situation who really hurt me that I haven’t forgiven in my heart yet. She isn’t in my life anymore, she was actually a mother figure in my life many years ago. All this time I thought the person I needed to forgive was my ex boyfriend (who I made peace with for everything that happened) but I realised that I never held the space to truly let go of all the hurt she caused. I’ve been to reiki and I’ve had the evil eye removed but I know in my heart I never let that shift. I’m not someone who ‘hates’ other people. That is a word my mum never liked us using and although I’ve felt ‘hate’ in previous years I’ve acknowledged it’s not a healthy feeling to hold onto so now I work on feeling the hurt and then offering that person compassion.

There was a time I felt hate towards her, I’ll admit that. I look back now and think she was clearly doing the best she could with what she had. I don’t remember where I first read about this but it was so helpful in helping me to understand people’s actions and why they do what they do. I knew so much about her life and she knew a lot of intricate details about mine. There were aspects of my life she envied and I think she felt like I was taking her son away from her and that’s ok, everything happened as it was meant to and I can look back and be grateful for that entire experience.

When I saw Daniella post about the full moon circle which would be the final one she was hosting this year, I realised that:

A. Luke was still going to be working away so the house would be quiet and I wouldn’t be interrupted.

B. The kids would be asleep since it started at 8.30pm.

C. I could attend because it was held via Zoom.

D. I needed this. I didn’t know why or what was involved, I just knew I needed to do it.

After I paid I was emailed the instructions, which were extremely simple. Just a list of everything to have on hand as well as the zoom meeting details and all set out so beautifully in her downloadable file. I had my favourite crystal, a candle, my journal and a pen, my laptop, water and my sleep tea – and a box of tissues nearby (just in case).

Her energy is incredible. I wasn’t nervous at all which is unusual for me but she has this amazing calming effect when she speaks. I describe her presence as that of a light beam. There is something so special about someone who is living their life in alignment and pursuing their purpose that makes them glow.

The hour consisted of breathwork, a guided visual meditation, angel and self care cards and it was filled with moments of clarity and synchronicity for me. At one stage during the breathwork I had this overwhelming need to laugh. It wasn’t funny and not appropriate timing but I’ve experienced this before during my reiki sessions and my healer has encouraged it and reassured me it was a great reaction to have while releasing. I had tears streaming down my face through most of the full moon circle and no, that wasn’t a normal reaction from anyone else – it’s just personal to me and my experience. I think I’m going through something I don’t quite understand as yet where I’m letting so many things go that I’ve held onto for so long.

All of the angel cards she pulled resonated with me. She used the same deck I have at home (Rebecca Campbell’s Work your Light Oracle Cards (https://rebeccacampbell.me/oracledeck/). 2 of the cards she pulled were cards I have pulled out in recent times: Leap & Share your voice. Being me, after it was over I felt I needed even more recognition that the message was for me. I pulled out my oracle cards and as I turned the deck over the first card I saw was Leap, You go first. The Universe will catch you. That was all I needed.

For me it’s important to know that I’m not alone, that I’m surrounded by my guides/spirits/angels (whichever you believe in). It comforts me because I’m someone who constantly asks for signs and feels the need to know for sure because I constantly doubt myself. I woke up this morning and felt lighter. I put away all of our crystals I had cleansed in the moonlight last night and I am just so grateful for the space Daniella held last night and that I was fortunate to be apart of it.

…and yes, her name being the same as mine and spelt exactly the same was one of those synchronicities I noticed when I first came across her profile earlier this year.

If this is something you are open to then I hope you see this as a sign to try something new. It might not be for you and that’s OK, but it could be a truly beautiful and rewarding experience that will allow you to connect deeper to your inner self x

Our new ‘normal’

We’re adjusting to a new normal at the minute. My husband has finally gotten a job offer after 6 very long months of being out of work. In the meantime, there has only been a few days here or there but nothing longer than 2 weeks. His mental health has taken a beating and his self-worth and overall confidence has hit an all-time low. It genuinely killed me to see him like that. Some days weren’t so bad but there were days when he was just so low my glass half full approach wasn’t helping and he would just cry. It didn’t matter how many times I reassured him that he wasn’t a bad person, he is someone who replays things over and over in his mind and he was holding onto a lot of hurt from ‘friends’ who had burned him in the past. Having all the extra time to think really didn’t help…

We live in Melbourne, and almost everyone around us is struggling. Especially the people who work in the same industry that he does. I was extremely grateful that they waited until 2 days after our wedding to make him redundant from his long-term role in March because he doesn’t cope very well being out of work even when its short term let alone in the current environment when we saw no rainbows in sight.

Our new normal soon became me returning to full time work and him becoming a full time dad to our 2 and 4-year-old. After my first mental breakdown I think he realised how much I was struggling to cope with everything at home in addition to work. My weekends were filled with cleaning, cooking and grocery shopping and I had no proper quality time with my babies which I was craving so much. I felt like I was missing out on them growing up and the mum guilt was real. Some mornings Gia would cry because she didn’t want me to leave and Jacob would tell me how he didn’t want me to go to work. Too many mornings I would cry on the way to work and one morning Luke called me while I was driving to express his feelings of not coping and I was a mess… I didn’t know what else I could possibly do to help.

Looking over this whole experience it’s definitely not what we wanted but it was what we needed. He has stepped up immensely. I now have someone who helps cook dinner, baths the kids… he even changes a nappy (because Gigi refuses to go to the toilet – believe me I have tried!). The cleaning side of things still needs work but he’s always helped with the washing or doing dishes so it is a massive plus and I’ll take whatever help I can get.

All of last year he worked his butt off. We had some financial goals we wanted to reach and a wedding to save for and so I don’t usually ask for any help especially with the kids because I only work 2 days a week and he worked every bit of overtime and weekends on the contract he was on. I’m honestly so proud of him but I’d be lying if I didn’t say it shit me that he’d be chilling on the couch or be on the phone while I’m cooking dinner and getting the kids bathed and ready for bed every night when he was home… the dynamics of our parenting were off but I sucked it up because for the most part I appreciate what he does and who he is as a person and the perfectionist in me is used to doing everything. I’m someone that doesn’t want to ask for help, I feel bad. It sounds stupid I know, but it’s just who I am. I want someone to “want” to help me and see that I need help rather than having to ask. Maybe I’m just really good at looking like I have my sh*t together even if I’m a mess… I honestly don’t know.

The company he worked for just after he was made redundant only had 2 weeks work for him but I had a really good feeling about them. I still can’t quite explain how I get these feelings. I just know things. I don’t hear voices, I don’t look for signs, something in me just knows. I told him that they would really like him and they’ll see how he works and they will call him back. 5 months later he randomly gets a call from them. He had just started the crappiest job in his entire career and trying to be loyal he almost missed an opportunity because they needed someone to start the next day (but he wasn’t aware of that at the time). He spoke to them again over the phone after that and they offered him another position. The only catch is that it’s over 2 and a half hours away from home. He had no choice but to take it.

He left last Tuesday night. I cried. I’m tearing up just writing this because I miss him. He might do my head in and stress me out and gross me out when he farts ALL. THE. TIME. It annoys me that he steals the blankets and kicks me while I’m sleeping but it’s just not the same without him. He’s my person, and I’ve gotten used to him being around all the time.

Thankfully we will get to see him every weekend. Most weekends will only be for 24 hours but we haven’t had to do this before so I am more than grateful for every second. He’s been offered jobs interstate in the past but his anxiety has always gotten the better of him and he’s had to pull out. Before we met, he did work away but it wasn’t this far. The hard part was explaining this to our minis. Jacob said he missed him after he left and hasn’t said much since. He talks to him every day when he video calls and the only thing he seems concerned about is who is going to take him fishing now (he’s told me his Nunnu has to!) I’ve assured him when we are allowed to go fishing again Dad will take him on the days he’s home.

Gia hasn’t adjusted very well at all, but she hasn’t quite expressed how she’s feeling. Being only 2 it’s not as easy to have a D&M with her. She asks me why Dad isn’t having dinner with us, why he isn’t coming home and if we’re going to Dad’s ‘new house’. With the current restrictions we can’t even go and stay with him so even though she had just started sleeping through the night that’s not happening anymore… she wants me next to her and she’s constantly reaching out to make sure I’m still there. When I told her I was going to work on Friday morning she looked panicked and she asked me why I have to go to work. I explained to her that she would be with Nanna and I’m coming home because I work close. Trying to explain the concept of time to two little people who only know 5 minutes (because we have a sharing rule of 5 minutes each) is really challenging.

I’ve told them this isn’t forever, but it’s going to take some adjusting for all of us. What we’re feeling isn’t even half as bad as what Luke is, we at least get to be home together.

So I’m going to take the time to slow down, to be more present and to fit a bit more fun and quality time into our lives. Even in isolation I just want to focus on surrounding my minis with so much LOVE and keeping the connection.

Sometimes I get carried away with my never ending to do list of house work and all the organising and decluttering and odd jobs that I actually forget to have FUN. It’s a very hard pattern to break. I keep telling myself that I’ll make a day where I do none of the things I need to do and just make it about them and fun but I can’t help it. Now more than ever I know that is exactly what I need to do because they feel the shift with me solo parenting and they are my everything so I need to sacrifice my need to have everything sorted to allow us to just BE.

The ‘Bergen’

Have you ever been in the room when someone is talking about you? They might be talking in code but you know you’re the topic of the conversation…

It has to be one of the most soul crushing things for a sensitive person. Yes. That’s me. I was having a reasonable day last week. If I’m being honest the ‘person’ I’m having issues with at work is someone I would label as a bully or as I like to refer to them, a ‘Bergen’ (tell me you’ve watched trolls?!)

In an open plan environment, you try to block out the noise but some people’s voices just seem to carry further than their desk and when you know it’s about you it’s extremely hard to block it out. My heart literally sank and I felt this horrible nauseating feeling in my stomach. Perhaps she didn’t do it on purpose but I’ve unfortunately had many run ins with this type of personality before and I do feel like these ‘people’ know exactly what they’re doing. Sometimes this is the only way they can get to you when you cut yourself off from them.

I don’t speak to her unless I have to now. I’ll arrive at work and she’ll literally look right through me. She despises the fact that I get along with everyone and I feel like it’s almost territorial. We are very different people. I’m very much who I say I am. I will go above and beyond to help you; I am kind to everyone unless you do wrong by me. If I don’t like you, you’re basically dead to me, there is no communication and I will almost ghost you to your face except for the standard pleasantries. I acknowledge that I am extremely sensitive but certain people prey on empathetic people. They see our “feelings” as a weakness and they use this to their advantage. Sure, you might call how I am cold or bitchy in how I handle things but when I see that someone is ‘who they are’ and they don’t take ownership of their actions or try to better themselves then I don’t waste my time. They are not my people. I am also conscious of how people act and I pick up on a vibe when I meet someone. This particular individual I was proud to pick out straight away. You know the kind who’s really nice to your face but the second you turn around is stabbing you in the back? Yes, she’s that kind. And if this “experience” has taught me anything it’s that I need to trust my intuition ALL the time.

There were a number of incidents that lead me to breaking point. For one I was working full time when I had previously only worked part time so my exposure to her behaviour was no longer 2 days a week. Let’s be real here, sometimes people are tolerable in small doses. I also became much closer with my team and some of them had confided in me about how they were feeling about how she was treating them and how it was affecting their home life with their family and their overall morale. When I heard her being a bitch and making mean comments, I would laugh it off and just get on with what I was doing. As the weeks rolled on though, I felt like an enabler because I heard the horrid things she said, I was witness to what she did and heard about them from her “targets”. When I went to help them, she went off at me. I literally walked into the office and she was waiting to verbally attack me about the fact I prepared a “stationery order” for one of our team who was in a different location. Her ego was out of control. I had bent over backwards covering every shift change and one Monday I was so furious because she tried to blind side me. One of our team members works till 6pm each day. They were away and I had been covering the shifts in the previous week but on a Monday, I need to start early because it’s payroll day. For that one day she should have covered the shift and I was under the impression she would have. She was discussing it before I came in and never said a word to me about it. 4pm came and she packed up her bag to leave. I knew she would do it, and leave me in the sh!t. Let me paint a picture here: she is second in line in the food chain in our team structure yet she doesn’t like to do anything out of her nominated tasks which includes her standard 8am-4pm working hours. She has no kids. No obligations. Nothing to rush home to. But don’t ask her to sit on reception because that is beneath her. It’s very hard to articulate sarcasm when I’m writing but I feel like you’re getting the gist?

As she was walking out, I asked her who should I call when I leave because no I was not staying till 6. (I have 2 children to go home to and if she’d been up front with me earlier, I would have made arrangements but not under these circumstances. I was livid. And no, I said none of this to her). She played dumb and pretended she forgot. She called our boss who then thought it was her fault that she forgot to organise a replacement. I was rolling my eyes as my blood boiled. She then went to ask our site manager if we could let one of the other offices look after the security. I was internally overjoyed when he said no and that someone needed to stay. That ‘someone’ was her. After I left, I made the decision that enough was enough. My boundaries were set and I was officially done with her. Dramatic I know but it takes a lot for me to get to this point and this was just the tip of the iceberg.

The next day I went to my car so her eavesdropping ears were nowhere to spy on me (because that’s another one of her wonderful personality traits – and yes, that comment also has a sarcastic undertone). I called my boss and I unleashed. I told her everything that had been happening while she was working from home over the last few months. She was shocked. I was shaking as I confided in her but she appreciated my honesty and although I explained I was more than happy for her to let this be she told me she needed some time to think about how she would handle the situation.

The next day they had a phone conversation, which resulted in said “bully” crying and leaving work. She had a number of days off over the next few weeks and from then on, the air between us has been like ice.

Little did I know our boss would confront her and then backtrack weeks later. She was awarded with a nationally recognised company award for her outstanding contribution to the business and our team. Everything I had complained about – she was praised for. The compliments were sickening. One of my co-workers showed me the email notification when she saw it come through and then proceeded to pretend to gag because she was so disgusted. Our whole team was literally like what. the. f@#k. just happened?!

How did I feel? Like someone had just slapped me in the face. Literally. I couldn’t hold back the tears. I cried most of the way home that day. I couldn’t understand what had just happened. Her, she couldn’t have been prouder of herself. She had gotten away with it.

We had a team meeting and she was congratulated by our management team and our boss told her how well deserved it was and I just couldn’t fathom what had happened in the last 2 weeks to change this. Needless to say, I had made myself the target in speaking up. My anxiety going to work had reached an all-time high, I felt sick to my stomach every day. I was experiencing chest pains and I was holding in so much of what I wanted to express. I went to see the doctor who told me I was fine so I booked in to see Helen for a reiki session because I was about to break and unfortunately it always seems I need to get to this point before I realise, I need help. I put a lot of pressure on myself because Luke hasn’t had full time work since March and on top of working full time, I was still trying to keep up with everything else I do at home, prioritising the kids, my extended family and dealing with all the emotional baggage. I was emotionally/physically burnt out.

Reiki is the best form of therapy for me. She removes the evil eye; she offers me guidance and she literally heals my body and my soul. Every message I received intuitively through my angel cards and random messages and feathers placed in my path were that I needed to use my voice. I knew holding back would only cause me more anxiety and impact my health.

I drafted an email to my boss to explain how I had been feeling and I was so raw and honest with her about my opinion on how she and her successor had handled everything. It was in no way complimentary to her or her management style but I said what I needed to. I felt a wave of relief after I did. Her response the following day was another stab to my heart. It was cold and had a no f@#k’s given vibe. Apparently, I should have just been grateful for the extra hours she had offered me with Luke not working and she hoped I felt better soon. That was it.

From that day I stopped working extra hours. When they asked me to help I said no. I’m still working there. I go in and I do my job and I go home. I’m not the kind of person to sabotage my work based on my feelings but I don’t go the extra mile anymore and I know they have noticed the change in me. When she asks me if I want to talk, I politely decline. I stated in my email I don’t feel like it’s a safe space for me to be open and honest and that is how I genuinely feel. I’m not a malicious person.

I need time to forgive her in my heart but for now I’m still hurting and for me I need some distance to help me heal. I need to accept that not everyone sees the world how I see it. When I see a wrong, I want to make it right. Most people just want to put a band aid on it. Again, they are not my people.

Everything happens for a reason and I need to learn my lesson from this ordeal. To some it may seem trivial but I feel things on a whole other level than most. When you hurt me, you hurt me to my core. That’s not their fault, that’s just what makes me, me. One day (hopefully soon) I’ll look back and this will all make sense but for now I’m just going to sit with it for a little longer and feel the feelings until they pass.

Card Making

I have been making cards from as young as I was able to do craft! It has always been something I’ve loved to do.

One of my first primary school business ventures was making cards and selling them to my Uncle (bless him) to hand out to family members each month. I look back now and laugh because I think I increased the price from $3 to $5 and he still supported me! Some were hand made and I then went on to using a computer program to design and write my own cards.

In high school I went back to basics and started crafting them again and sold them at a car boot sale. I convinced some of my friends to join in the fun and they made friendship bracelets and pencil toppers to sell out of my mums boot on the day. We had a blast and my mum was always completely supportive of all my ventures! I spent so many hours creating and was so passionate that I even applied to have my own craft stall at a market but I never followed through….

Living in Sydney (many years ago) I worked with a beautiful lady who was a scrap booking genius! She was super talented and she had me and one of our other co workers over for a crafternoon making Christmas cards one weekend and it reignited my passion to create yet I still don’t seem to make the time for it!

Thankfully my mini’s LOVE to create! We make a lot of mess and there are no rules (I just offer some ideas and encourage them to fill up the blank spaces to make it even more colourful!) Word of warning is that if you’re using PVA/glitter glue with little ones – you will probably want to be in charge because mine like to use the whole bottle in one spot on the card! Wet wipes are always handy to have close by!

Happy crafting! x

You will need:

Paper/Blank cards Source from Spotlight
Craft supplies

Some ideas of craft supplies we use are:

Glitter glue
Sequins
Paper cutters
Coloured paper
Scissors/Patter scissors
PVA/Glue stick
Foam shapes
Pompoms
Coloured icy pole sticks/match sticks
Coloured feathers
Stickers

Let’s make a RAINBOW!

A house in our neighborhood inspired me to make our own rainbow and it was a whole lot of fun for me and my mini’s in our hope to brighten up everyone’s day!

You will need:

Skewers (long skewers around 30cm) Source from your local supermarket or local party shop.
Glue gun
Hot glue gun sticks (my kids tend to use a lot of glue so depending on how big your rainbow is I would have a couple of packs on hand) Source from Spotlight/Officeworks/Bunnings/Big W/Kmart – Spotlight sometimes have a pack you can buy with a glue gun and glue sticks in a case.
SIDE NOTE: If you don’t wish to use a glue gun pick a heavy duty sticky tape that can withstand the weather.
Plastic plates in various colours (we chose to use the small plate size in yellow, orange, red, purple, blue and green) Source from your local House & Party Shop or you can pick these up at all of the above stores or the Reject Shop.
Scissors

Instructions:

Plug in your glue gun to heat up and make sure you have this on some paper and a heat resistant surface.
Cut your paper plates in half (or quarters/thirds, you could even leave them whole – which ever shape you prefer!). The amount of plates you use will be dependent on how big you would like your rainbow to be. We had to come back inside and make extras as we went went along. Bear in mind as your layers of the rainbow increase you will need extra and it will all depend on how far apart you place them in the ground as well.
Using your glue gun run a line down the middle of the plate.
Lie your skewer into the glue with the pointy end hanging off the bottom of the plate so you can skewer this into the ground.
Place it aside and wait for the glue to dry/cool. We did one colour at a time and then once they were ready we stacked them and moved onto the next colour.
Repeat steps 3-5.
Take outside and place your plates in a rainbow shape.

Happy crafting! x

Believe in yourself

Are you someone who constantly encourages others to follow their dreams yet you fail to follow the same advice you offer someone else?

I am guilty of this. So guilty. Even now. I have friends who offer me the same advice that I’ve given them and I think why don’t I believe in myself like they do? What am I so afraid of? I’m afraid of failing. Deep down I know I want it badly enough yet I’m so scared I’m going to stuff it up. That’s life and we all learn from our failures. Some even say I hope you fail because it will help you grow. But I’m scared.

I’m 31 now and I have been “launching” my beauty career since my early 20’s. Beauty has always been my passion and it’s something I feel called to do. It’s not about injectables, the picture perfect photo, or the stereotypical social media ‘influencer’ look for me. There is nothing wrong with any of those things but I’m that girl that believes beauty is truly on the inside. I love making someone feel beautiful. I love making someone feel more confident. I’m a great listener and I have had the most incredible conversations with my clients (who up until now have been few and far between). I was really touched one day when my beautiful client cried as she expressed just how different I had made her feel and how she hasn’t felt comfortable to go to anyone else – it was such a huge step for her. At first I didn’t realise she was so emotional, to me everyone is beautiful. I don’t care what size you are, what colour your skin is, how many stretch marks you have (I’ve got plenty of those!) But for some people it takes a lot of courage for them to feel comfortable with someone else. When I spray tan people I’m not looking at their bodies and criticizing, I’m looking to make sure I haven’t missed any spots. The last thing I want is for them to be streaky or patchy but I get it. I have always struggled with my body. The last thing I want to do is get naked in front of a stranger but I think at some point we have to see that what other people think of us is none of our business and believe that we are all beautiful in our own unique way. I feel like I have some light to shed on this industry and I know I need to take that leap.

When I was younger I always went to the beautician with my mum and I still remember the times when I would secretly ask her if I could get a manicure and she said ‘YES’! Never did I think it would be something I would envision for my own career. That being said I have worked for some not so wonderful employers in this industry which lead me back to the safe comfortable world of admin. They have made me feel worthless, bullied me, belittled me and made me doubt my dream.

I realise now this was all part of my journey. I’ve made plenty of excuses over the years and put off following my heart. I always make sure that I put my family and their needs first and then if I have some time and energy for me I’ll squeeze it in but I don’t make what I want a priority. Lately I’ve felt like I need to change my career and I keep searching for jobs in the beauty industry and I found one that I thought would be perfect for me but they are looking for someone with extensive experience. It’s been almost a week since I applied and I sat there thinking to myself today, why do I feel the need to work for someone else… why can’t I take a chance on myself?

This reminds me of the quote “What if I fall? Oh but my darling, what if you fly?” – Erin Hanson

I’m making a promise to myself to believe in myself, to make a small effort each week to follow my dream and no matter how big or how small that step is, it won’t matter. But if I fall, I’m going to pick myself back up, I’m going to grow from it and I hope this inspires you to do the same. Our egos can be powerful and the negative self talk can often win us over but we will still feel unfulfilled if we sit with the ‘what if’s’. Life is too short, I think we owe it to ourself to be who we came here to be and if you trust your instincts and push through the fear I have no doubt you’ll fly.

Imperfectly me

Have you ever had this incessant nagging on your heart to find your purpose?

I have always placed way more importance on finding a ‘career’, which in significance seems so small compared to the bigger picture.

Children change you, life changes you, your experiences change you and we are always growing and evolving (…and then there are some that don’t). I feel like they are our biggest lessons.

After I had my daughter (my 2nd child) 3rd if you count my fur baby. I felt so different, there was this urgent need to figure out why I’m here. What am I going to do with myself? Who am I? What is it I was brought here to do? To say I felt lost is an understatement. I still don’t understand why at that particular moment in time I didn’t feel like I was enough, that I wasn’t trusting the divine timing of everything in my life and just being present in the moment. There was this urgency pushing me to realise that there is something greater… and the truth is I’m still finding my feet. I am still discovering. I don’t know exactly what my purpose is but I am looking for signs, I’m trusting my intuition and for the first time in my life I feel like I’m being true to who I really am.

I am perfectly imperfect. I look at the world and people so different than I used to. I still have a lot to learn and my little people are my greatest teachers. This is my space to share my thoughts. I’m not always right, I am constantly learning. My sensitivities and empathy are my greatest strengths yet my greater weaknesses. I am the first to put my hand up and say sorry, my intentions are never to hurt people but I’ve started to realise in my own self-reflection that when I react in a certain way that I’m not proud of that I need to dig deeper and ask why this is triggering me (but that’s a whole other topic on its own!).

I am someone who is trying to spread the light, the world needs more love and this has been a calling on my heart for some time now, so I hope that what I have to say resonates with you, brings you some clarity, shows you that you aren’t alone and makes you feel like you are enough.

Sending you love x x x

This post is dedicated to the white feather magically placed on my lap this morning guiding me to take this first step