Walking away

I performed an act of self love today.

I resigned.

I’m creating space for something better to come into my life and for the first time in a long time I have no idea what that is but after being inspired by a conversation between Phil Good and Lorrie Ladd I realised that this is the next right step. I received my sign and I’ve known I need to leave for a very long time. I’ve either been convinced or guilted into not leaving so many times but I am actually doing it.

I didn’t tell anyone because I didn’t need anyone’s energy attached to my decision or to influence me in any way. Especially not Luke’s. My job has been the stable force in our relationship whilst his has been an extremely rocky road. I have supported him, held him up and been there with positivity and love every step of the way.

Now it’s his turn to support me. Fear of him not doing that is what’s kept me stuck for so long. I am someone who values security (it’s something I have realised is one of my core values). I have always had a “back up” plan when it comes to income. I have always relied on myself until I had the kids and gosh did I struggle. There was always this need for something else to fill the void in case what I had disappeared.

SO. Let me be completely transparent. I wrote all of the above before I actually resigned. Am I the only one who needs to psyche themselves up to make a massive decision? To some it might seem quite trivial, for others a no brainer but as a true over thinker my head sometimes manages to rule over my heart.

I didn’t resign the next day. My boss was dismissed and the manager I was going to hand my resignation into then had to leave with a family emergency. I took it as a sign. Silly, silly me. I let things continuously get worse whilst still trying to convince myself “maybe it’s not so bad”. It’s a common theme, you want to leave the relationship but you think ohhh it could be worse I’ll wait a bit longer, he/she was so nice to me today. Maybe it will get better….

Why do we keep lying to ourselves and punishing ourselves fearing that nothing can take it’s place? We keep ignoring our intuition and it keeps us stuck.

When I finally resigned 2 weeks later there was no freeing feeling. I wasn’t completely elated. Confetti didn’t suddenly fly at me from all angles. I just knew in my heart I’d made the right decision and now I needed to tell my husband.

Days of silent treatment followed. So many tears. I didn’t get the support I hoped for and emotionally I was completely shattered. I got “I don’t understand what’s so hard about 2 days a week”, “you need to find something else” and other submissive comments like “I’m not happy in my job either”. You see I actually needed to remind him that this wasn’t about him, this was about me. That if things were so bad that I was throwing in the towel then he needs to trust me because I am someone who can endure a lot but this had reached a pivotal point where enough was enough. But I am not someone who complains about work everyday. Regardless of the circumstances everyone I encounter there would think I’d swallowed happy pills on the daily because I wasn’t going to allow how people treated me to affect how I showed up.

It was a very lonely journey through the weeks that followed because I not only had to keep showing up for my 4 weeks notice but I also had to block out his worry and negativity. 9 years is a long time to be with a particular employer but I am not unemployable and I knew that so I couldn’t comprehend why he didn’t.

I was extremely fortunate that 2 weeks after I resigned one of the other department managers phoned me at home and asked me if I could work full time. There were a number of people who were genuinely disappointed that I was leaving and wanted to find a way to keep me there which was so humbling. I told her I couldn’t, like I had done many times prior when I first enquired about a job within her team. Initially she had told me not to leave, to hold on and something would hopefully come up. I couldn’t wait. This time she managed to pull some strings, and she somehow got the management team to agree to hire me part time working the same days and very similar hours to what I was already working. I would be given a laptop with the flexibility to work from home (which is something I had requested in my old position but they had no interest in me helping them, that would mean they had to admit they needed me and that was never going to happen).

The night of my last day I came home and the tears were uncontrollable. Even though I had cried many a time throughout this process that last day stuck in me like a knife through my heart. My boss had made it very clear to the rest of the team she would not be in and had found out that I was staying within the company so she was quite pissed off. She skyped me a message to say goodbye because it was clearly unbearable for her to even speak to me at this point. I thanked her none the less and let it be.

I’ve been through some really shitty times but I was at a really low point both mentally and emotionally and after doing the right thing, not wanting to cause any waves I honestly thought a little more effort or appreciation would be shown. Not even a handover. O fucks given on their part. I let them get to me one last time. My whole mantra throughout was just ‘leave with grace and lead with love’ and it was painful at times but I know it was the right course to take.

I followed through on my resignation, finished up on the Friday and then started with my new team on the Monday except I now work for the agency. Everything worked out just as I knew it would. I’m a big believer in ‘having faith’. It was a little rocky at first but I’m currently working from home and I don’t have to see or hear any of the drama I was exposed to before. My brain has been able to function thanks to tasks that actually challenge me and I work in a team that appreciates each other. I don’t care for the drama or the gossip, I just want to focus on what I need to do because life is too short and I’m not about to waste more time. If this environment turns toxic, I’m out. I think I’ve raised my energetic minimum and what I will stand for because I know what I bring to the table and I am comfortable in who I am.

Our relationship needed to go through that hurdle too. As hard as it is to admit. When we first started dating I never would have told him how I really felt. I would have swallowed my feelings, apologised even though I did nothing wrong and probably stayed working in that toxic environment just to keep the peace at home. With each experience we grow from this, he may not like my reaction, he may not agree with my actions but he knows what I expect from him and what I’m not willing to settle for anymore.

The reality is that it was never going to be the right time to leave my job. I knew in my heart what I wanted from that outcome and I truly believe that I manifested my current reality. The instability of needing to work for an essential business is something that played on my mind but that was out of my control. I just needed to block out the noise and surrender to the unknown trusting that things will always work out in my favor and exactly how they are meant to.